bikes should have holders for martini glasses...
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2003-09-22
5:03 p.m.

I did something this weekend that I am not proud of. I got really drunk and I stole a bike on my way home from the bars.

I don't have any problems with getting pretty trashed, but I don't think it's appropriate for me to be stealing property. To make myself feel better about the situation, I decided that the bike I took was a really, really ugly one that was pretty cheap. It probably wouldn't even go for more than $10 on the black market. (Can you even sell bikes on the black market anyway? Or is that market strictly reserved for selling babies?)I mean, it didn't even have any brakes. I don't even know how I rode that thing home. In fact, I don't even remember riding it at all, because of the drunkeness, but I do have witnesses that say I rode the bike. In fact, rumor has it that I rode it like the wind.

So, in order to feel better, I convinced myself that the bike (which I found just near the sidewalk) was left out for the trash. I mean it was really ugly. The more I got to thinking, though, if someone had thrown away a bike, they probably would've placed it near a dumpster or maybe on the actual curb. So now I am pretty sure that I stole the bike from some Russian immigrant who was probably working late washing dishes or as a barback in a club. The immigrant probably worked so hard and made lousy tips, only to find that their bike was missing and they had to walk the 10 or so miles to Truro, where they probably share a room with five other immigrants...

Since I started feeling so guilty for stealing Oksana's (That's what I'm now calling the made-up Russian immigrant.)bike, I decided to return it to where I think I stole it from. The problem is I don't really recall the exact location of where I found the bike. That's the thing about being really drunk, you can't remember exact details about the evening.

Oh, and also. If Oksana asks, I'm just going to tell her I borrowed the bike. I really hate to think of myself as a thief...

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