license to scare
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2003-11-19
3:47 p.m.

Ok, so I know that stand up comics have built routines about this simple fact for years, but it really is true and must be stated again: There is no such thing as a good driver's license photo. And I should know. I just got mine renewed today.

I didn't need to get my driver's ID renewed until my birthday in December, but when I woke up this morning and looked in the mirror, I decided that today wouldn't be a bad day to get it done. The eyes were not puffy, the hair was looking good, and there was not a blemish in sight.

So, either my mirror is a big, fat liar, or the people at the BMV really do not know what they are doing. I think they should get some professional photographers up in there. Even the guy at Sears Family Portrait Studios would do. Or maybe they just need some better lighting. And when I say "better lighting," I mean that any lighting at all. They took my photo in the darkest corner of the room.

If you judge me by my driver's license, you would think that my nose is half the size of my face. Speaking of my face, you would also think that half of it is a darker color than the other half. Oh yeah, and if you look at the photo, you might get the impression that I want to kill you. I have never looked more mean in my life. The picture is not appropriate for small children. They'll have nightmares for weeks if they even catch a glimpse of the scary creature I portray on the ID.

Apparently photo re-shoots are $7. It will be the best seven bucks I'll ever spend because let me tell you, the photo can't get any worse. And next time, I'm bringing my own lighting...

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