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2003-09-01
11:01 p.m.

I think I was the most paranoid person in Rhode Island on Sunday night.

It was my first time to the small state, and I guess because the state is so small, I thought everything in Rhode Island would also be tiny sized. I am happy to report, though, that the buildings, people, and just things in general are the same size in Providence, RI as they would be in any other city in America.

Worrying about the size of everything in Rhode Island is not what made me paranoid that night, though. I went to a Rhode Island club and the only thing going through my head was visions of the club burning down. A cheesy 1980s metal band was not playing that night, so I thought that helped my chances of the bar not going up in flames. That only seems to happen to joints in Rhode Island where bands like Great White are playing, right? Just to be safe, though, I hung out near the emergency exit door for most of the night.

When I finally felt confident that the evening would not end up in a blaze of glory, I decided to join my friends on the dance floor. I am so not a good dancer, so I was feeling a little paranoid about my lack of skills. I must have had some of the right moves, though. I wasn�t there for more than a song when I suddenly found myself in the middle of dancing sandwich with a couple of strangers. I couldn�t even enjoy being the meat (that just brought up a weird mental image) because the strangers were dancing just a little bit too close. I felt like I was being pick-pocketed the whole time. When you keep reaching for your wallet every ten seconds, it�s not sexy. It�s not even a cool dance move.

What is it about Rhode Island that brings out the paranoia in me?

Oh yeah, and another thing to the people of that small state. Instead of grabbing my ass, next time just say hello first. I�m sure you�ll get a better response out of me�