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2005-05-18
2:02 p.m.

I do alot of things by myself. I'm sitting in a coffee shop right now as I'm typing, where I just ate lunch by myself. I go shopping alone. I take myself to movies and even sometimes to dinner. I used to feel stupid, alittle awkward, or like a loser, but I don't really feel that way anymore. If you're waiting for others to do stuff with you, you might end up waiting forever.

Having said that, though, I still have some moments where I'm sure I just look like a total asshole. I try to always be in control, but it's just not always possible.

The last time I went to the movies by myself was probably a month or two ago. I went to a matinee, so it was basically just me and the senior citizens in the theater. Even though I'm totally OK with doing things alone, sometimes when it's just me at the movies, I want to hurry up and get my ticket and sit down.

As I was walking up to the ticket-taker guy, something happened to my right foot. I felt like my foot wasn't going to work, or that I was about to trip on something. It happened in a split second, but I definitely felt like I was about to fall flat on my face.

There is never any time to prepare for a fall that is going to happen a second later, but I tried my best. It turns out that my way of preparing for a fall like that is by letting out some sort of awful sounding yell. I'm not even sure if I'll be able to properly explain the type of noise I made. It was a monsterly groan/yell, that was definitely embarrassing.

The thing that probably made it even more embarrassing was the fact that I didn't even fall. So, as I'm beginning to fall, I made that god-awful sound and froze in mid-air. I don't know what caught me, but I stopped falling. I continued making the most embarrassing sound to ever come out of my mouth until I realized that I wasn't falling and immediately stood up straight and handed the guy my ticket.

The ticket guy asked if I was alright, but I knew what he was thinking. He couldn't believe that they let someone that retarded go places all alone without some sort of adult sponser.

It could've definitely been worse, I really only humiliated myself in front of the ticket guy and a few of the elderly, but still. I can't stop thinking of the noise I made and everyday I pray to God that the sound will never come out of my mouth again...