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2003-06-06
11:03 a.m.

I think I have a mental problem. I haven't been diagnosed or anything. And I don't need to take Zoloft for it. (Or is Zoloft a drug for allergies? I can't remember�)

My mental problem is that I think too much. I really do. Most people would agree that being a thinker is a good thing. But when you think as much as I do, there is not much time to do anything else.

The problem really isn't about thinking. It's got more to do with my imagination. I am so good at imagining myself in dreamy situations. For instance, whenever I am on the hunt for a new apartment, and I start looking at really nice places, I get so excited about the place that I already mentally move myself in. This is not a good thing all the time. Sometimes the rent is way too high. Or I fill out an application, only to have the apartment go to someone else. When that happens, I have to mentally move out of the apartment. Often times, too, I have already unpacked. It's hard work mentally moving in and out of apartments all the time. Once, I was in a new apartment everyday of the week.

This also happens when I apply for jobs. I have been sending out a lot of resumes this week, and I have already given myself each job. Why do I need some human resources person to hire to me, when I can just hire myself to work for their company? In my head, I have been hired all over the country this week. There's my job working for PBS in D.C. as a program associate. I'm also a writer for an entertainment web site in Los Angeles, as well as my job working for a travel writing company in Jersey. Each day, I just sit and I think about these jobs and imagine myself doing them. With all that thought going on, there is really no time to do my actual work at my real life job.

The social life in my head is much more fabulous than my social life in real life. My real life social calendar does keep me busy and satisfied for the most part. But the one I imagine is unbelievable. The famous friends I have up in there! The parties I go to! The places I jet off to! Sometimes, I think about it so much that I get so tired. Instead of going to the actual party I was invited to, I'd take a nap instead.

My big goal is to somehow merge my two lives together. If I can get a way to find a happy middle ground where the life in my head and my real life are the same thing, then I probably wouldn't be so crazy. I still might like to try Zoloft, though�